Diary

Surgery Day- Sept. 28, 1998-11

12:10 p.m.

The doctor enters with a sadness and compassion that must be his nature's path, facing death so often each day. He apologizes that he has to bring me this news and tells me that the colon cancer involves many organs and is terminal. He has removed both ovaries which also were cancerous, disconnected the gall bladder and did by-passes to relieve the blockage.

If nothing had been done he estimated my beloved would have lived only three more weeks, with the bypasses she could survive for months.

He discussed radiation and chemo as palliative treatments to stretch out time and this was the goal of his surgery today.

For short term pain she has a Demerol pump. He told me that there is a long incision. He says that afterwards we can control the pain pretty well with medication and would at least like us to talk to a doctor about the plusses and minuses of chemo and radiation.

He again apologizes and says that he knows this is not the news I wanted to hear and asks if I am OK. I am still wrapped in the protecting veil of Grace and so am able to comfort him and thank him for his efforts and concern.

12:39 p.m.

We know so little of the inner working and the immensity of the journey we have undertaken. We see a moment in time and take it as eternal, too aware of life's fragility and the sudden vicissitudes of fate. Having faced death (small d intentionally) often in my life, I fear him not but offer myself, with the limited stuff of my being, to Mother and Sri Aurobindo. But if I could once again have faced him in Mary Helen's stead I would gladly be lying on her bed this moment.

I have never felt that I was doing the sadhana, so difficult and intense, so demanding of a one-pointed concentration, with so many prerequisites (none of which I have met) prior to taking the first steps. Yet, I feel there are beings like Mary Helen who are lent to earth awhile to bring beauty and light to those fortunate enough to have lived in the circumference of their soul's space. Yet I know that she has come also for the work and somehow I know within, definitively, that she has given herself into Mother's hands with the trust of a child. I shall learn from her serene wisdom - as the psalm says, "All the days of my life".

12:55 p.m.

We know innately the higher force that upholds us all as the infant knows its Mother. Yet, we must call it down into our bodies, our hearts, our minds and our emotions, not only in times of crisis and travail, but especially when the journey is smooth. Love and gratitude to the Presence that guides and upholds, places in our paths the innumerable opportunities for progress and protects the listening and obedient soul are the two firm pillars supporting our ascent to the Divine heights.

1:05 p.m.

Through Dr. Dixon's hand and heart and the extensive surgery he has completed instead of a few week of life he estimates some months. What a supreme gift! In our love for each other and our aspiration to draw closer to Mother and Sri Aurobindo, each second can become a minute, each minute an hour and each day might be so filled with gratitude and increase of love that it might seem years.

But what is time, anyway. Only an opportunity for the mind to measure what is to the soul immeasurable. And so, ultimately we shall come to the chosen goal of the Life Divine on earth, helped by greater souls He sends to teach, comfort and encourage us to follow by their example.

We, being only two aspirants on a way that traverses human history can, nonetheless remember Savitri's words that if Satyavan has only one year to live, that year is her life. And so for me, I shall aspire that these remaining months be light-filled eons, pulsing with the aura of the Divine Grace, giving us the strength to move ever forward to Her Feet.

Narad